friendship over! *stamped and sealed*

i've been thinking about friendship lately. well, just the past few days. what makes a friendship? what sustains it? when do you call someone you've met a friend? what makes a friend? and what makes an enemy?

i'm about to let a friendship evaporate into thin air. no matter how hard i try to soften my heart, i don't see why i shouldn't do it. i mean, i've been into this situation thrice already. i think that's enough for me to let the friendship go. i don't care about "through thick and thin" anymore.

i hate to see friendships go. hell, who doesn't? if real friendships ever existed, can it disappear so quickly? can three years of friendship disapper in just a snap? i wonder.

i've heard the explanations from third parties who i think are trying as hard to make sense of it as i am. from the perspective of my ... what do i call the person now? ex-friend? enemy? ... i have been a gossiper. mygath! what an accusation!

i won't deny that i thought of something malicious about my enemy. but, for heaven's sake, i was just avoiding any figurative images that might come to mind everytime i see them. i see them together almost everyday and if ever my malicious, imagined situation became a reality, i don't think i can carry out a clean mind.

and just for the record, i didn't gossip about it. i just told a friend of my malicious, imagined situation to make me at ease. and another for the record, i don't think hearing my enemy's reasons and defenses are worth knowing. frankly, i don't give a damn.

maybe we both just don't know how to handle bad times. nah, i don't think so. i've swallowed my pride just to say sorry without knowing the reason why. if it wasn't Christmas, we still wouldn't be talking to each other by now. also, i didn't want to start the new year with an enemy at the gates. so, at that time, my attitude was "to hell with pride, i'm saying sorry." but uh-ah, i'm not doing that now!

for all intents and purposes, i will eradicate my enemy in my life. that's fair enough for myself. what i'm worried about is if it is fair enough for our mutual friends? even if they defend me and stand by me, they will surely be affected by this change.

part of me would really like to work out some sort of peaceful co-existence if only to make things easier for our mutual friends. but i am fully aware that i have been hurt enough by this person, and i just can't be the one to make the first move.

i feel sorry for our mutual friends, who likely think that both of us are being pretty stupid. but i will remain firm and this is not being stupid. i am giving myself justice and well-deserved dignity.